10/14/2005 *More Depressing Entries...*

So I saw Elizabethtown today, a movie with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. It got me thinking, about a lot of things. One of them is the concept of suicide and if I would ever commit it. I don't know why I would, I have a pretty good life. But there are the parts that just really get me down. Everybody expects me to be this big protege kid, begin a student at TJ and all, and I just can't live up to the all-A standard. It really makes me mad. I really do try hard, as hard as I can, too, and I still barely scrape by in Latin, and AP Euro is looking as though it might be as bad. And my dad is an alcoholic. That's enough of a reason to be depressed, right? But he's getting better. Yeah, thats what we say every time, and then he relapses again. And the whole ccle starts over. For a period of time, we don't talk to him at all, and then when we do talk to him we are rude and harsh and then things go back to normal, even better than normal, and then he relapses again. It happens every time. But I really do with that he would get better. That is my one wish, that my dad would never touch alcohol again in his life. And holy crap do I want a boyfriend. Or at least a guy who is even interested in me in the least. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is for no guys to like you? I wonder what is wrong with me. Am I too far? Am I too intimidating? But I don't want to change just to make guys like me. I want the perfect guy to come along. Or at least one that will last a while. I am so envious of Bronwyn and Phil. I would give anything for someone who cared about me that much. But then I think about the fact that there was a possibility that I had that with Stephen. He was so sweet, and he did the forehead kiss when we couldn't do a proper kiss in front of my mom. Haven't I always dreamed of the guy who would do the forehead kiss? And that picture he made for me was amazing. As was the CD I still can't listen to "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and sometimes, when I'm feeling really bad about myself, I'll listen to the track of him talking, to boost my self esteem, but I always end up in tears. I try to justify my breaking up with him, but I'm getting less and less certain that I did the right thing. It sucs so uch. And I don't really feel like my friends are actually my friends. Sure, out of school they are all normal around me, but in school it sometimes seems as if they don't want to be seen with me. It makes me really resent them. Especially Kelley. I'm getting more and more pissed off at her lately. She makes me so mad. I'll be talking to her and she will just randomly start a conversation with someone else. Or she will interrupt me, and I really hate that. And she doesn't seem to respect me at all, or even be nice to me sometimes. I hate it. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. Well, as long as I have Liz around I know I have at least one friend. And one true friend is reason enough to keep on going, isn't it? Sometimes it really doesn't seem so.

Notes:

• No, I never did seriously contemplate suicide
• It is the farthest thing from my mind right now
• I love life.
• My Dad has not touched alcohol for 3+ years
• Like I said
• I love life