10/14/2005 *More Depressing Entries...*

So I saw Elizabethtown today, a movie with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. It got me thinking, about a lot of things. One of them is the concept of suicide and if I would ever commit it. I don't know why I would, I have a pretty good life. But there are the parts that just really get me down. Everybody expects me to be this big protege kid, begin a student at TJ and all, and I just can't live up to the all-A standard. It really makes me mad. I really do try hard, as hard as I can, too, and I still barely scrape by in Latin, and AP Euro is looking as though it might be as bad. And my dad is an alcoholic. That's enough of a reason to be depressed, right? But he's getting better. Yeah, thats what we say every time, and then he relapses again. And the whole ccle starts over. For a period of time, we don't talk to him at all, and then when we do talk to him we are rude and harsh and then things go back to normal, even better than normal, and then he relapses again. It happens every time. But I really do with that he would get better. That is my one wish, that my dad would never touch alcohol again in his life. And holy crap do I want a boyfriend. Or at least a guy who is even interested in me in the least. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is for no guys to like you? I wonder what is wrong with me. Am I too far? Am I too intimidating? But I don't want to change just to make guys like me. I want the perfect guy to come along. Or at least one that will last a while. I am so envious of Bronwyn and Phil. I would give anything for someone who cared about me that much. But then I think about the fact that there was a possibility that I had that with Stephen. He was so sweet, and he did the forehead kiss when we couldn't do a proper kiss in front of my mom. Haven't I always dreamed of the guy who would do the forehead kiss? And that picture he made for me was amazing. As was the CD I still can't listen to "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and sometimes, when I'm feeling really bad about myself, I'll listen to the track of him talking, to boost my self esteem, but I always end up in tears. I try to justify my breaking up with him, but I'm getting less and less certain that I did the right thing. It sucs so uch. And I don't really feel like my friends are actually my friends. Sure, out of school they are all normal around me, but in school it sometimes seems as if they don't want to be seen with me. It makes me really resent them. Especially Kelley. I'm getting more and more pissed off at her lately. She makes me so mad. I'll be talking to her and she will just randomly start a conversation with someone else. Or she will interrupt me, and I really hate that. And she doesn't seem to respect me at all, or even be nice to me sometimes. I hate it. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. Well, as long as I have Liz around I know I have at least one friend. And one true friend is reason enough to keep on going, isn't it? Sometimes it really doesn't seem so.

Notes:

• No, I never did seriously contemplate suicide
• It is the farthest thing from my mind right now
• I love life.
• My Dad has not touched alcohol for 3+ years
• Like I said
• I love life
  

10/11/2005 *WARNING 15 year old Profanity!*

Dear Mom,

You are such a big f***ing hypocrite. And you know how f***ing mad I am because I don't normally cuss. Everything you tell me that I do wrong every single f***ing day you do all the time as well. You tell me to watch my tone and you go screeching at me when I try to fix your stupid problem. "When you walk out of a room, pick it up" is what you say, and then you leave behind a sh!t-load of junk everywhere you go. And I don't want to listen to your sh!tty self-help tapes. Just because you're fat and have no boyfriend and never get laid except by fat spaniards doesn't mean I need help. Why won't you just let me live with dad most of the time? Wanna know what I have to say to you? Shut up B!TCH.

Notes:

• First of all, apologies to my mother for that post.
• I DO NOT feel this way any more.
• Also, remember that this is four years ago
• I included it in this project because it is a good example of how I felt at times back then
• Sorry for the profanity
  

9/19/2005

Dear Tony Sobotka,

Hey man. Has anyone ever told you how cool you are? I mean, if it wasn't for the fact that most of the time you smell really bad, I would wonder why you don't have more girls all over you. You're such a cool kid. But why, WHY do you always smell?

<3 Amy.

Note:

• Before I read this journal just now, I didn't even remember that he smelled
• I guess that he's just too cool to be thought of as a smelly kid.
  

9/1/2005

Dear Stephen Houck,

So no more kicking myself, glad that's over. I finally mustered up the courage to apologize for being an ass, and now things are back to *almost* normal. Yess.

Notes:

• Yes, I did spell "yess" like that. With two "s's"
• And also yes, I was, in fact, a huge ass. I still probably was after this note. Just slightly less so.
  

8/29/2005

Dear Fletcher,

I've put this letter off for a few days now, mostly because I wasn't sure what to say. You were my first horse, and it was so hard to let you go. I love you so much. Nothing will ever change that, not in a million years. You were so sweet and you worked so hard to please me. I don't know how I will ever find a horse that I can love as much as you. I am so lucky in the fact that I can come see you, and also in the fact that you are going to such a good home. I know the Valentines will love you almost as much as I do, and they have enough time and money to take care of you better than I ever could. I swear that no matter what happens, I will always love you.

<3 Amy.

Notes:

• That's quite a liberal use of the word "so," don't you think?
• And hellooooo sappy.
• But the truth is, I do miss him, and I do still love him
  

New Plan.

Hello there! It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Well, I've decided to start a new project. With summer fast approaching, hopefully I will have a little more time to post new, exciting things more consistently, but for now, with finals ever looming, I just don't have the time to really put in enough effort for original posts.

But. I do have enough time for a little side project. Let me break it down for you.

I've been keeping journals for almost four years now. Paper journals that is. And so far, I have not lost any of them. But knowing me, I'm well due for a mishap where one of them spontaneously combusts... or something along those lines.

Also, I would like to go through, relive the memories, read my awful, awful 15 year old attempts at sounding poetic.

And so.

I am going to go back through my journals, and write up some of my favorite letters and entries (most of my entries are written in letter form to some specific person or another... it's just how I do, ya know?)

And so. Let the journaling begin!

Plunk!